erase and rewind.

the spark won't die out

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 17:13:25 GMT

a common gripe - so much to do, so little time. it's always the same old story - busy, tired, lazy, no energy, and a host of other excuses we comfort ourselves with. but to a very large extent, it's all valid, isn't it?

these past three months i've been trying to look at things from the perspectives of 14 and 15 year olds, and i'd like to think that i'm doing a more than decent job so far. somehow, i look at them with envy - ignorance is bliss. yet i feel sympathetic to their lack of awareness of what's going on around them. i am dismayed at how many of us underestimate these kids, and at the same time, ashamed of how little we share with them. perhaps, the spark in me is still going strong, and i hope to keep it that way for a very long time.

spring/summer 2010

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 17:08:50 GMT

Karl Lagerfeld & Balmain's spring summer collection 2010 don't exactly go hand in hand, but they're both more than drool worthy, at least to me.

metallics, studs, structure, back to basic colours, everything 2009 had, and more. alright, not exactly a very good description there, but i'm thrilled -

here comes the sigh.

wish my paycheck could buy me those pieces of cloth - sewn, of course. ugh.

people always leave

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 08:00:06 GMT

you thought you've finally made new friends, like-minded people who share your thoughtless whims over lattes and late nights. all of a sudden, like multiple connection errors, you no longer hear the voices you used to

- you've been buzzed out.

you're surrounded by unfamiliar sounds all over again, until your ears find other mouths that are compatible, that is. the cycle repeats itself over and over until the day you die. even then, the ears of your corpse might no longer hear the voices of those who previously buried you. people always leave.

it's nobody's fault really, blame it on technology, globalisation and a myriad of other excuses that have crept their ways into our pathetic, problematic lives of today. the work-life inbalance has made facebook the greatest human invention of our 21st century. people leave, but they know where you are. what more could we ask for?

insomnia

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 19:53:53 GMT

i don't believe in the need to apologize for the lack of updates, yet filling up the pixelated page(s) with the nasty 'A'- word (that bloggers love to use) immediately undermines that belief.

the night is getting old and my call for rest seems not adamant enough. light creeps through the crevices of my skin and tingles at my pores. my eyelids do the reverse closing and opening motion in desperate hope that those muscles will tire out and that fatigue can somehow permeate through my being such that i can finally lay to rest.

i hear a beat. loud. ringing. haunting. every time the beat repeats itself, vivid colours pop up like a semi-retarded game show. all of a sudden, everything ceases. blank. i'm motionless but not asleep.

counting sheep might help.

g'day pui

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 14:08:57 GMT

Dear E71 Cloud,

why did you have to give up on me so fast? I needed you to take me through the busy streets of bangkok. Couldn't you have at least hung in there a little while longer?

Dear Math,
How come you're so difficult to comprehend? I need you for my job, please understand.

Dear E,
I wished you weren't so lazy. You were my third strike today.

old news: bimbo alert!

Sat, 23 May 2009 15:14:06 GMT

this might be news from the 1st century to some of you, but i haven't been able to catch up with all the ~~bimbotic~~ teen soaps for the past 4 months, at least. so forgive me, i just need to get these things out of my system.

1. i can't believe the 7th season of one tree hill will not see p.sawyer (hilarie burton) & lucas scott (chad michael murray)

2. many of us, (myself included) cannot understand chad michael murray's engagement to kenzie whatever she's called. granted he was a jackass for cheating on sophia bush, but they're the real life sawyer and scott.

3. i do not understand the new series 90210. weak bitch, weak bff connection. not to mention that most of the drama in their own drama is so 'has-been'.

4. gossip girl needs to step up its game. but i'm glad. i was always rooting for team chuck/blair.

5. i cannot believe that jackson brundage (5 year old jamie scott) is 8 in real life, and has his own major fan site.

finally, the bimbo explosion has ceased. i'm still not sure about its aftermath...

look back, if that's what you want.

Sat, 16 May 2009 10:59:59 GMT

i don't know if every city is this boring of if i'm just apathetic. so i'm halfway through my ambitious goal of completing all 6 seasons of one tree hill for this short break, then off to bangkok it is. in the inbetweens, i've found myself work, at my father's which isn't so bad.

i feel like i no longer want to pursue passion, because in the process of fighting for what you want, you gain nothing - you cross people, and you don't have money, and people are equally judgmental even though they are fronting the entire acceptance campaign. it's hypocritical, really. so i find the entire thing farcical, no less.

you see, i'd rather cross people and have something to show for it. besides, my age gives me permission to be materialistic, it's part of the next phase of life, there's no denying.

i miss a lot of people. but there's always no time or money. just know that i really care about each of you, even though we might not have met up in the longest time.

people always leave, and sometimes they come back. do they, really?

end point.

Tue, 12 May 2009 15:14:21 GMT

i'm not in a very good place right now. funny how everyone else seems to be terribly unhappy as well. is it coincidental?

sometimes i wished that all i had to think about was which dress looked prettier on me, or what i should be eating for lunch.

other times i'm thankful to be put in this not-so-good place, because then i become a stronger person, and i don't end up like one of them moronic bimbos who can't tell the difference between a two pin and three pin plug.

somewhere in life, though, i hope i no longer have to worry about bills, and the other bunch of crap that i've been dealing with for just too long.

i want to scream: you've taught me well, now let me go.

directions please.

Sat, 09 May 2009 05:42:17 GMT

how many times do we tell ourselves, i wish i could express how i feel in words, but i just can't. i can't find the words to tell you how i feel; my thoughts are clouding my head; i have a headache; everything's so complicated and i just want to lie down, but as you lie down, the weight on your shoulders is suddenly tripled, and you have to fight so much harder to get up again. and then you ask, should i have laid down in the first place; but you also know that things done cannot be undone. so, where are you left now?

i'm tired of hearing of the economic rut.
i'm tired of hearing of pandemics.
i'm tired of hearing of people saying they're fat.
i'm tired of hearing of security threats.
and i'm tired of myself.

what happened to normal and and adventurous, spontaneity amidst crisis?

perhaps my self interest has gotten in the way. so, i ended up here -
a roomful of useless regret for not being appreciative of the smallest things, with

the intense desire to carve out what I want, no less pathetic than a miner desperately searching for gold.

10 things to do, written before my exams

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 15:11:45 GMT

things to do.

1. take on the responsibility of being a friend again --> meet ups, coffee, drinks...
2. rearrange my closet.
3. sort out my photo albums ---> facebook, iphoto...
4. straighten out my itunes playlist.
5. redecorate some parts of my room.

activities.

6. go ice skating.
7. roller blade.
8. zoo trip.
9. run.
10. look for a job.

the exams haven't even started. wish me luck.

miss grouch

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 17:39:39 GMT

i really loathe spiraling into self-pity reverie, because it's useless and unproductive. recently, i've taken to whining and complaining and it's gotten on my own nerves. sooner or later, i'm sure people around me will soon start to avoid me; self-conscious much. still, i can't help but be human. i'm entitled to feel a certain way because my mechanism to cope with things might very well be different from yours. all i was hoping was for some sort of privacy, or at least respect. i wasn't expecting sympathy or understanding, just respect.

it sucks even more that you can't talk to anyone about these things, because it's just better to keep your trap shut. such is the world, even in a place that aggressively promotes freedom and openness.

----shutting down.

------------------------re-format.

--------------------------------------------------self.

---------------------------------------------------------------world..

---------new self
-----new world order COMING SOON.

fly

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 16:41:05 GMT

i want to fly away. someplace far. distant.
i want to float in the sky
in an invisible hot air balloon
so no one knows.
sssshhhhh. it's our secret.

i'm done with school.

sometimes i think i should sell my soul to the workforce and join in the popular rat race of 2009 so that i can live like a goddess for a longer time.
big house. nice cars. good travels. the luxury tempts me.

i've come to learn something about myself: i'm not as strong a person as i thought i was; disappointing.

smelly stinking n.

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 08:57:44 GMT

i don't like teamwork because too much politics, and hatred will birth out of it. i'm already at the losing end, because people are biased. but that's the world we live in, i suppose. don't get me wrong, i like working with people, certain people. those people i like to work with, talk less. we do. we don't let elementary school games come between us. more than that, unlike you, we're able to move on.

you piss me off and i'll make sure you pay me back for those fall out boy tickets. KIDDING. i'm not as calculative as you are. besides, i don't accept credit cards...

i don't know why i'm wasting this space ranting. i hate school and i want to get out. be away from all of you, because last semester was so much more bearable.

grandmother's day out.

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 17:25:53 GMT

we've always been taught to throw out the old, so that our tiny prison cells can fit our limitless belongings. you see, i know i have clothes that are ugly, dowdy, and odd. somehow, i can't bear to part with these pieces of cloth which are of no use to me. i think of the possibilities - what if one day i could actually make something nice out of it, secretly knowing that day would never come.

i know i need a wardrobe revamp. i should stop buying cheap purchases that look cheap. after all, you can only get as much as your money's worth. i should really throw out things that look like they've been washed buy a damaged washer 10 million times. of course, i am only exaggerating. but these clothes seriously look like they've been through the whole deal - world war II, independence day...

so, i've decided to be brutal. no more useless keeps. i can't wait for the summer break to throw out the old, and buy a new closet of clothes. although the former proves easier than the latter, due to financial limitations of a starving student.

i want a new wardrobe. mine's an emergency. the rest of you, wait in line.

only you

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 15:13:45 GMT

only you can understand my language.
only you can make me laugh like thunder.
only you can withstand my foul temper.
only you can make my world crumble.
only you can build my world up again.
only you can know my secrets.
only you can love me the way you do.

g's crisis mode.

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 16:22:40 GMT

i am working close to 24 hours a day, and yet i feel unaccomplished. no, not with regards to academic accomplishments, though that might as well be in the same basket, since my grades have taken a plunge...okay, let's not go there. i've got friends, acquaintances who've had their own exhibitions, films, photography shows... and where am i? sometimes i think it unthinkable to have such expanse of knowledge and craft at such young ages. art is expressive, creation is intuitive. ...and yet we've got to fight against time.

ginny calls this mode the crisis mode. you look at weblogs of accomplished artists, just in singapore. a dime a dozen, carving out a space for themselves. i look at them through my eyes, a vision emerges, for a second, and then disappears. i'm back to writing essays, reading journals, refining my thoughts. thoughts they will only ever be.

i tell myself to focus. be disciplined.

the problem is i like everything, i know a bit of everything. i can't make out what i want to be. i don't want to be them. i want to be me, and i haven't quite figured out how to do that. i can't figure that out because i don't have the time to. my course doesn't let me refine my craft, and with everything that i have going on already, i really can't muster up the energy to take on a project called 'self'.

crisis mode needs to end. it shall begin when the summer holidays start.

goodbye crisis.

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 16:22:23 GMT

reminisce

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 09:26:15 GMT

a memory so distant.

i
c a n
n o t

t r a c e

m y f o o t s t e p s b a c k.

w h a t s t h e p o i n t o f m i s s i n g...

r e m e m b e r i n g?

unreal.

i feel unaccomplished. unskilled. unintelligent. un -------.

the new hair.

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 04:22:23 GMT

'nuff said.

dead.

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 13:21:29 GMT

there are days i feel my heart heavy.
there are days i don't wish to talk.
there are days i'm a happy facade.

today's the day
i want to bury myself.
beneath the soil
in the garden of arcadia.
sometimes i want to cut myself open
to assure myself that the blood i see
is real, fluid, re-generative.
i need to know i'm not a living corpse.
the very people to give me life
have taken it away from me.

i want to stand alone in the forest
i want you to bury me alive.
that's what all of you are doing already.
why not finish the job?
spare me from a slow painful death.

goodbye.

supergirl

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 16:27:42 GMT

i'm not your supergirl.
i can't give what you want.
in your eyes i'm only taking

i scream, i shout, i whine.

am i the girl you're looking for?
i can only promise you me trying.

i've not the time to take walks
or watch butterflies in the park
i'm not your punk rock girl

but i hope i'm enough.

new toys

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 09:32:54 GMT

say hello to my new friends...

the LG Renoir KC910

the 2 week old phone decked out with strawberries

and finally, a small, slim camera perfect for party moments

i'm feeling the february love :)

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 11:40:42 GMT

you. you knew of what you promised. it's not about jealousy. it's about your own sensitivity, and i don't wish to say its reflective of what i am to you. i take all the shit you say to me (intentional, and unintentional), your doubts about me. i take the weight of your insecurities on my shoulders. i'm trying to change, to be a better, calmer, less bold person. nothing makes me happier than seeing you happy. And calm. i cry myself to sleep some nights, because i don't know how to deal with everything, it's as if our lives will always be a vacuum of mutual doubt. why can't it be simple? cos we're not simple beings. i'm trying to be strong, for us.

i forgave. i let things go. i tried to, at least. i know you didn't intend for them to hurt me.

i know i'm not perfect. but i also know that apologies alone aren't enough. your promise mattered. you broke it. it's not the first time, and i wouldn't even have known, because quite frankly, you wouldn't have told me, would you? you think its all about jealousy. if you know something isn't right, why fall into its trap? if you do stumble, are you going to claim yourself as victim? i thought you learnt, after the january saga last year.

happy valentine's.

new things

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 08:17:31 GMT

i'm happy. it may not be the new year, but i'm smiling from ear to ear like a child. i've caught on the eBay addiction. who says Christmas isn't all year round? here's to new things, even though the new year's over.

i have an obsession. i name my things.

sidenote: i'm missing you. terribly terribly much.

inadequate.

Sun, 01 Feb 2009 11:08:10 GMT

it's no point to cast hatred, & i'm tired to fight for recognition. i curl up like a fetus, and wrap my arms around myself. i'm an unborn, and i am my only protector. i will let you all do what you want. talk down at me for i am nothing in your eyes. i am the black sheep, but that doesn't mean i don't have white spots on me. and maybe, all of you could see me for me.

family is a complicated affair, so stop putting on that veil like we're perfect and happy. are you? pride and happiness are different things. stop trying to make it a quadruple affair, for it has only been a triple affair for the past decade. i am grateful for everything you've done. sacrifices may not be out of love, but out of responsibility. i love you so, but why do i feel like an orphan? i have a brother, but why do i feel distance instead of familiarity?

you say that you're my painting canvas. each time, the canvas folds up before the paint reaches, and the floor is stained.

apathy is a difficult thing, especially when there's so much at stake. i'm not normal. i'm not sane. i'm not perfect, but i'm real.